• Relationships

    How To Turn Conflict into Deeper Connection – Part 2: Committing to Connection

    view of two pairs of feet facing each other

    This is part two of a series of three posts about how we can use conflict to serve our relationships, instead of seeing it as a threat to closeness. I recommend reading part one first if you haven’t already done so. Part three will be published soon.  In the first post in this series, we looked at the different ways many of us avoid conflict. Whatever your particular flavour of conflict avoidance, if you want to get to a place where arguments seem like opportunities you can meet instead of threats you need to run from, then I recommend trying out a position that may feel a bit new or…

  • Relationships

    How To Turn Conflict into Deeper Connection – Part 1: Avoiding Conflict

    This is part one of a series of three posts about how we can use conflict to serve our relationships, instead of seeing it as a threat to closeness. Parts two and three will be published weekly on Fridays. A few years ago I was facing an afternoon of practising conflict at a weekend workshop called Authentic Relating Training, and I was feeling sceptical. It was my first ever experience of being in a space where we were being taught to practice conscious communication and self-responsibility in our relationships, with all the new language and different ways of thinking that involved, and it had been quite revelatory. I’d gotten through…

  • Personal Growth,  Relationships

    How To Stop Beating Yourself Up for Going Round in Circles

    Have you ever felt as though you’re just dating the same person over and over again? Have you looked back after another breakup and found yourself beating yourself up for not seeing all the same signs, and for making all the same mistakes? Or perhaps a pattern keeps playing out within one relationship, and you tell yourself you’re just going around in circles? It can be so frustrating to notice patterns like these, especially when they’ve caused considerable pain in the past. This is a place I know well, and there’s one perspective which I’ve found really helpful. I’d like to share that perspective here, and talk a bit about…

  • Personal Growth

    How To Find the Best Therapist for You

    Finding a therapist, coach, or counsellor can be difficult. There are hundreds of different forms of therapy alone, plus considerations around values and lifestyle to take into account. I talk to many folks who have struggled with therapy because they didn’t feel safe to talk about sex or different relationship styles, or who felt that endless talking about their problems wasn’t actually helping very much.  While longer-term psychotherapy and counselling is an important part of treatment for specific mental health diagnoses such as depression or BPD, shorter-term coaching can be a great alternative for people who are otherwise mentally healthy and need some support to work through specific challenges. Coaching…

  • Personal Growth

    How To Run a Sharing Circle (the ultimate guide)

    Three years ago I started my first sharing circle with a handful of strangers in a church hall. I was incredibly nervous; I remember doing a lot of googling beforehand – “how to start a women’s circle,” “what is a sharing circle,” “does a talking stick need to actually be a stick.” I found some answers, made some of it up myself, and collaborated on plenty of it with the folks who eventually joined me. Since then, sharing circles have been a constant in my life and I’ve made some really wonderful friends as a result. It’s a form of ritualised socialising: it gives meaning and intention to the time…

  • Sex

    How to Navigate Dating and Sex with Endometriosis

    I was recently asked how to go about dating and sex when PIV (penis in vagina) sex is often uncomfortable due to endometriosis. This question intrigued me because, although I don’t live with endometriosis myself, it speaks to the need for having authentic, vulnerable conversations about needs and desires with people you a) feel attracted to and b) likely don’t know very well. I had a hunch that any advice I could give would be relevant to many more folks than only those diagnosed with this specific condition. I’ve spoken with people who do have endometriosis about which challenges come up most often, where the most anxiety is, and what…

  • Embodiment,  Sex

    How To Stay in Your Body During Sex

    Do you ever feel as though you’re just going through the motions? Perhaps it’s hard to enjoy sex because you’re always stuck in your head, feeling disconnected from your body to the point where it doesn’t even feel like it belongs to you.  It can sometimes feel like a physical block, a complete dissociation from felt sensation, where you enjoy sex and intimacy on an emotional level but can’t connect to the physical enjoyment. Maybe you struggle to maintain eye contact, feeling a lack of connection to the person you’re with, unable to really tune into what you’re both feeling.  Feeling challenged by staying in your body during sex is…

  • Personal Growth

    How To Break Out of a Codependency Triangle

    Do you often seem to be stuck in similar patterns of resentment and frustration in your relationships? It might feel as though you attract the kind of people who bring drama into your life, and no matter how hard you try to solve or fix the situation, nothing ever seems to change. This can feel totally exhausting. Chances are, if you’re reading this, these are patterns you recognise in your life and relationships. If so, you might be caught in a codependency – or drama – triangle. Let me explain more about what that is first of all, and then I’ll talk about how you can start to break out…

  • Personal Growth

    How To Work With Difficult Parts of Yourself

    Do you battle against parts of yourself that you don’t like very much? Maybe you have some people-pleasing tendencies that you’ve identified as a ‘problem,’ or you hate how emotional you get when you need to assert a boundary. Do you feel frustrated at how easily you cry when you get upset, or wish those anxious voices asking all the ‘what ifs’ would just go away for good? It makes a lot of sense that we’d want parts of ourselves that we don’t like to just go away. It can feel as though they’re sabotaging our efforts to have healthy relationships, causing all kinds of behaviour that feels unhelpful. Where…

  • Embodiment

    Learning How To Feel More

    Being unable to feel into yourself and your body cuts you off from many things. It makes pleasure difficult to really feel, with sexual pleasure often reduced to a very narrow experience that relies primarily on tension and urgency. Pleasure and sexual enjoyment happen in the body, so finding it hard to stay in your body limits the pleasure you can feel. Becoming more aware of how your body feels from the inside not only enhances more relaxed, expanded forms of sexual pleasure, but also opens you up to noticing many other pleasurable sensations that aren’t necessarily related to sex. And the more you notice, the more there is. Disconnection…